Don’t Break

so that thrill
that runs up and down my spine,
numbs me.
like
that cold, hard stare you give,
those eyes dyed blue black,
i am immobilized.

so turn me
into something i cannot recognize.
numbs me.
like
that the tinkling of your laughter,
those ideas you put into my head,
i am,
you.

***

hearing your voice put the day into my saturday, and made everything, if for only that 15 seconds, seem like we were still one.

i still love you.

laugh it up. so used to it.

Ferocious Eyebags Are A Killer

so here’s to life, my new start. or fresh ending.

i miss you already.

but then again what does it matter. please be happy.

***

life has never been worse, really. and just when it should be getting better too. i feel like i’ve lost an arm and a leg. it feels funny knowing that i shouldn’t call you to tell you where i am anymore. and that there shouldn’t be any whining to each other about how bleak life is.

so let’s put aside the pretenses for a minute, when i hug you for the last time the way i should have, and say that i still haven’t stopped loving you.

i’m sorry.

***

the expiry date came too soon
unprepared, unwilling, don’t speak
hold my hand and walk with me

so you think i’ve already gone
don’t forget, don’t regret, i’ll listen
the words you never say, the unpredictable fusion

of what we always needed to feel was new
that destruction we were counting down to
spent every lingering moment on the things that didn’t matter (but you said you’d never go)
the reasons we weren’t supposed to have
the remnants of everything that was left
if only you’d say that it’s still okay (but it’s not today)

***

you wouldn’t know, really.

*original

Sticks On Steps

stagnant, as always.
but i’ll be here when you need me.
i promise.
i love you guys.
and i love you.

hearts are not supposed to break this easy
but here i am, open
so don’t tear me apart again

like adam and eve, we were made to sin
but not this time, please
we’ve both had enough, haven’t we?

i’m not nearly strong enough

just one day at a time
i’m sure we’ll get through this, really
i’m tired of craving metal.

* original

Predator

“and someday, i’d like to take you apart.
someday, i’d like to taste you, raw.
to feel your evasiveness give way, giving in to me.
someday, i’d like to take you apart.”

he scared me more than a little too much,
and he didn’t stop there.
when he finally ended and i dared look back in his eyes,
he shocked me with the softness i saw there.
and then, that spark again.

“don’t you know, i’m utterly insane?
love me.”

*original

My Heart’s On Fire

my boyfriend thinks he’s very cute. look what he wrote when i went to get food.

Crystal soul and pearl like eyes,
she drifted along and passed out faith,
Fiery hearts and good willed acts.

Her encounter with fate left her speechless.

p.s she buy food for me

*original by adriel

Carnival

the summer day parade, looks like it just passed by
oh but of course, it did, no?
another march, another progression
the steady beat, the agitation
the intensity focused into beads of sweat
in the cold air, today

the lithe midget dancers invading the streets
oh but do they, do they own them
the haughty looks from the living doll
the life itself, of this glamorous ball
the streamers red as that ventriloquist’s lips
dropped that note, today

i haven’t seen him for days now. i miss him so much, it’s not funny anymore.

cold wars. this may be it.

after malaysia, he says, we’ll see.

i suppose we will.

I Don’t Love You

Bought her flowers and kissed her goodnight,
he whispered in her ear ‘ i don’t love you.’

Painted her apartment and fed her dog,
he wrote on a note before he left ‘ I don’t love you.’

Visited her in the hospital and washed her feet,
he told her brother ‘ I don’t love her. ‘

Tucked her in and sang her a lullaby,
he let it slip off his mouth before she dozed off,
‘I don’t love you. ‘

She did not weep, she did not ask ‘why’,
from dawn to dusk she kept a straight face.

She wasn’t hurt, she never did cry,
she’d say to him without fail ‘ I know. ‘
He’d smile and wink at her.

Why, you ask? Why’d he say that,
because silly, everytime he said ‘ i don’t love you’,
he’d do something that says otherwise.

And it meant so much more to her what he did than what he said.

*by boyfriend

The Fool

lover’s balls and funerals
wear your heart on a sleeve and expect from them a tear
feel my breath on your naked shoulder
to witness, you’ll be here

kisses that betray no more
in your star filled eyes and mischievous grin, that traitorous gleam
the heart studded ransom notes don’t say a thing
if only you’d say what you mean

wear your face, a facade
but i see though your disguise, your vulnerable soul exposed
your lips mouth your love but your hands are cold
your words can only be but so bold

so hide now, shelter
we’ve risen from the depths of hell, your most-feared demons
we’ll care for you, i promise we will carry on
haunting, till you’re dead and gone

surprise surprise. i’m so not having any fun in class.

boy came to school today, which is a shocker. in a good way. i missed having him around in the campus. and i’m sure everyone else did too. :]

off to meet josh with baby later. can’t wait. class is such a bore.

i’m out of cigarettes. again. it’s a bitch that i have a measly allowance and whatnot. i cannot survive like this. the day i startwork, i will THROW myself into it. moving out at the end of the year is basically my short term goal, which i am very determined to accomplish.

pb’s staying over at my place till tomorrow, and kau’s over at ad’s. probably still sleeping, those kids. they lead a good life, you know.

I LOVE YOU BOTH DARLINGS. and of course, you my boy. <3

edit:

1. bangbus.com proves to be very good entertainment during lessons.
2. porn does not always consist of hot people, which is crucial. i will not expect too much from now on.
3. i still don’t know how guys jerk off to porn, unless they’re watching it with their respective partners. i just think it’s funny.

*original poem by me

Was the Soundtrack of My Summer

close, but not close enough.
don’t take me for granted?
prove it.
that you’re afraid to lose me.
i know too much to not be hurt.

open for interpretation.

*art by skankydoodles.

If I Absolutely Had to Lie

your champagne supernova.

where are we
what the hell, is going on
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes
this can’t be happening
when busy streets a mess of people will stop to hold
their heads, heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasured moments hung before the take over
of this sweeping insensitivity
of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh you won’t catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

mmmm what’d you say,
mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
mmmm what’d you say,
mmmm that its all for the best?
because it is
mmmm what’d you say?
mmmm that it’s just what we need
you decided this
what’d you say?
mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don’t believe you
you don’t care a bit
you don’t care a bit

so don’t pretend, please.

you make my heart sing
if only for a bit
a song like a track to slit your wrist to
beauty in it’s wretched form
the nakedness in this breakdown scares me
a distortion of reasons beyond our comprehension
i don’t understand you
but i’ll wait

*image by imaginee, edit by me, song by imogen heap, peom by me.