Don’t Break

so that thrill
that runs up and down my spine,
numbs me.
like
that cold, hard stare you give,
those eyes dyed blue black,
i am immobilized.

so turn me
into something i cannot recognize.
numbs me.
like
that the tinkling of your laughter,
those ideas you put into my head,
i am,
you.

***

hearing your voice put the day into my saturday, and made everything, if for only that 15 seconds, seem like we were still one.

i still love you.

laugh it up. so used to it.

He Takes Me Alive

keeps pulling and pushing, but we’re going nowhere
told me he loved me, i’d believe him if he’d care
love like the rain, and justification like the candles
need like the youth, fear like witches on pyres

keeps feigning and turning, but i see right through you
told me he fell hard, but the bed looks so new
white like the snow, and passionate like the waves
mute like a choir conductor, empty like echoes in caves

so cease my hunger for something non-existant,
fill me with something tangible for a change
if i could i’d lock you up and toss out the key

keeps smiling and haunting, but..

BUT NABEI MY PP IS DUE TOMORROW AND I HAVEN’T DONE SHIT.

Like Something Incurable, It’s Eating Me

i’ve been told, fairytales never do come true.
that they run their course, and in time i’d lose you.
happily, i thought them all rumors.

and i saw for myself, the truth of the premonition.
“i’m sorry”, i said to him, “i’m too selfish for this infliction.”
then ran into a story of my own demise, vulnerable.

so i wonder, was i ever your only?

will you love me in the morning?
forever and ever babe.

i was, once. at least i think. and i wrecked it by being who i was.

i’m sorry.

I Think I’m Going To Montreal

december 25

we’ll go to greece
see the statue of leonaides
and pick the soil of where the 300 fell
then i’d say
‘pfft. you wouldnt remember to take some if i werent here to remind you’
:]
the sand was DIRTYYYY
tsk
and they didn’t let me bring the mud through immigration
so it’s not my fault
then we;d go to puerto rico
have wine as the guy paddles the boat under bridges
it sounds lovely
i’d propose to you on the Garita on a lovely evening
and we’d go to las vegas to get married
then we’d gamble at reno

was an entry in my old blog, which is linked on the right. i miss those days. not that they’re over for good, but it sends the chill of pleasure up and down my spine that even if that was ages ago that we made those promises, and that we’ve been through some serious shit eating since them, that we’re still not giving up. i’m so glad we found each other baby, because if this isn’t love, i don’t know what is. :]

i miss you madly. <3

Antiseptic Lotion

i think it’s funny how in every relationship, the EX is such a big deal. even in mine, how i hate his ex and he hates mine. how we hate the comparisons during fights, how we secretly wish that we were the first, so that we would be able to spare ourselves the emotional trauma of feeling like a replacement.

antiseptic lotion.

“i don’t wanna be your antiseptic lotion.”

hahaa. i remember using that as an excuse to get out of a relationship once. not that i actually thought that it was all i meant to him. but that he was starting to bore me and i wanted an excuse to quit while i was ahead.

now that i’m serious about this boy, i honestly don’t mind being the one who heals his wounds. i want to be the antifuckingseptic lotion, and i want to be all he ever needs to get by.

i’m not cheapening myself, or ditching my dignity, am i? only that i choose to be the one for the man i love. :]

I Cannot Forget

the rhythm of our conversation
the perfection of her creation
the sex she slipped into my coffee
the way she felt when she first saw me

hate to love and love to hate her
like a broken record player
back and forth, and here and gone
and on and on and on and on.

i love you b.

Predator

“and someday, i’d like to take you apart.
someday, i’d like to taste you, raw.
to feel your evasiveness give way, giving in to me.
someday, i’d like to take you apart.”

he scared me more than a little too much,
and he didn’t stop there.
when he finally ended and i dared look back in his eyes,
he shocked me with the softness i saw there.
and then, that spark again.

“don’t you know, i’m utterly insane?
love me.”

*original

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Famous Last Words

i wish i didn’t care.
i wish i didn’t have so much to say.
i wish we could just kiss and make up.
i wish none of this happened.
i wish i could turn back time.
i wish i didn’t love you.
i wish you didn’t hurt me.
i wish you could have committed to me.
i wish we could get engaged and get married.
i wish we could still have kids.
i wish we could still cuddle.
i wish you believe me.

i wish you knew.

so now that it’s over, where do i go from here?

i hope you’ll be happy, i hope someone else can give you everything i couldn’t. i hope you find what you’re looking for, and i hope you don’t lose yourself, the little boy i knew and loved.

i’m sorry i was never perfect.

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