Lovers and Something Else
June 27, 2008
it’s happening.
And Your Twisted Words, Your Help Just Hurts
June 24, 2008
what a way to start the post, but here i will declare that yes i do adore money. ohh the lifestyles of the rich. sarah is in dire need of a job, but is too damn princessy to get her own. i hate being broke.
on another note, i noticed that my own posts have been getting progressively shorter of late, and i hope you readers (however few there are of you.) don’t get upset or impatient with me. only today i was struck with the mortifying notion that i might actually be running out of things to say. needless to say, it was a false alarm. girls never, i emphasize, never, run out of things to say.
“you’re selling the world’s rarest commodity. you’re selling uncertainty, in an uncertain world.”
- walter abrams, two for the money
it’s kind of paradoxical, ironic, if you’d indulge me.
the way common sense isn’t as common as we all assume it would be, how we think reasoning with authority will get us a lighter punishment and have a heavier one imposed instead, in a scenario where boy cripples girl so she wont leave.
mm.
***
the court thing was pretty damn boring to sit through. fact is, his mom and i didn’t even get to go in. he just waited his turn for an hour and a half, went in for three minutes, and then we left. i get it now, i think. the punishment is actually the wait.
life. my life.
waiting for the verdict is always the most nerve wrecking, you know. but for me, ahh. it’s almost a different thing altogether. life, is like a fucking bet. and i’ll confess, between the time when the dice begin to spin, and when they stop, my heart skips, my breath holds, and my hands shake. because that’s really when i feel the most alive.
and here’s the sick part. i’d bet everything i have, everything i own and do not, to lose. when i do, i look at the debris of my pathetic life, and laugh. “i’m.. i’m still fucking HERE.”
wins.. oh, wins are only temporary. always are. it’s only a matter of time when we give it back. it’s the thrill of the wait, the hide and seek slash cat and mouse, that pumps us chock full of adrenaline, that drug that we need to keep us alive.
like that book i was reading, “the paradise room”. amber goes on a vacation with long time boyfriend, hugh. meets tezz, then decided to throw caution to the wind, gets caught in her whirlwind of intensity, passion and romance, gets lost in it for awhile. loses hugh (who really does sound like the perfect man.), then loses tezz (she does something stupid) and blah blah blah, adds many love triangles.
naturally, that’s not the end. but i wont be a spoiler, in case anyone wants to read it. the point is, the gamble you take is because of this inborn defect we all have. could be a different kind of gamble, but mostly, the effects are the same. sometimes we win, so we’ll keep playing. but eventually we’ll learn it’s incredibly stupid to keep betting against the house.
then we’d more often than not ask god, “why play this game? why put us on a tray for the dogs?” and i always wondered how god would reply. maybe he’d say “you’re right. it’s mean. but it’s still funny that you people still think you have a choice.” or maybe more appropriately “i put the tray out. you didnt have to stuff a fucking apple in your mouth and SIT ON IT.”.
granted, nobody’s perfect. despite knowing this, i suddenly dread the sacred encounter with the heavenly being. i don’t think i have enough comebacks. and after all, the old timer has had all eternity to polish his wit. quite honestly, i doubt i have much of a chance.
hopeless then?
i could say of course not. that my only drug, my only vice and obsession isn’t nearly as addictive or dangerous as the abuse of substances, gambling, or anything else. i could say that. but obviously, i’d be lying. (hint: it’s a person.)
***
by the way, adriel touched an old hag’s tit by accident today. i know i need psychological attention when i’m not only mentally disturbed of the visuals my mind concocts, but am, in fact, JEALOUS of the elderly-slut-bag-whore.
tsk. i’m way disturbed, i tell you.
Time To Stop Pleasing
June 23, 2008
keeping expectations low has always been problem for me. i should really learn.
it would feel so much better that way.
today is obviously not one of the better ones.
bye.
I Think I’m Going To Montreal
June 22, 2008
december 25
we’ll go to greece
see the statue of leonaides
and pick the soil of where the 300 fell
then i’d say
‘pfft. you wouldnt remember to take some if i werent here to remind you’
:]
the sand was DIRTYYYY
tsk
and they didn’t let me bring the mud through immigration
so it’s not my fault
then we;d go to puerto rico
have wine as the guy paddles the boat under bridges
it sounds lovely
i’d propose to you on the Garita on a lovely evening
and we’d go to las vegas to get married
then we’d gamble at reno
was an entry in my old blog, which is linked on the right. i miss those days. not that they’re over for good, but it sends the chill of pleasure up and down my spine that even if that was ages ago that we made those promises, and that we’ve been through some serious shit eating since them, that we’re still not giving up. i’m so glad we found each other baby, because if this isn’t love, i don’t know what is. :]
i miss you madly. <3
Antiseptic Lotion
June 21, 2008
i think it’s funny how in every relationship, the EX is such a big deal. even in mine, how i hate his ex and he hates mine. how we hate the comparisons during fights, how we secretly wish that we were the first, so that we would be able to spare ourselves the emotional trauma of feeling like a replacement.
antiseptic lotion.
“i don’t wanna be your antiseptic lotion.”
hahaa. i remember using that as an excuse to get out of a relationship once. not that i actually thought that it was all i meant to him. but that he was starting to bore me and i wanted an excuse to quit while i was ahead.
now that i’m serious about this boy, i honestly don’t mind being the one who heals his wounds. i want to be the antifuckingseptic lotion, and i want to be all he ever needs to get by.
i’m not cheapening myself, or ditching my dignity, am i? only that i choose to be the one for the man i love. :]
Predator
June 19, 2008
“and someday, i’d like to take you apart.
someday, i’d like to taste you, raw.
to feel your evasiveness give way, giving in to me.
someday, i’d like to take you apart.”
he scared me more than a little too much,
and he didn’t stop there.
when he finally ended and i dared look back in his eyes,
he shocked me with the softness i saw there.
and then, that spark again.
“don’t you know, i’m utterly insane?
love me.”
*original
Protected: The Problem With Camwhoring
June 17, 2008
Incomplete
June 17, 2008
WE MISS YOU.
My Heart’s On Fire
June 17, 2008
my boyfriend thinks he’s very cute. look what he wrote when i went to get food.
Crystal soul and pearl like eyes,
she drifted along and passed out faith,
Fiery hearts and good willed acts.
Her encounter with fate left her speechless.
p.s she buy food for me
*original by adriel
