Compromised

i never knew i could be this driven in anything. it’s something new.. and i have you to thank for that. still, when the feelings start to surface, there’s not much i can do to make myself immune to it. it hurts. and you should know why.

baby, it’s only because i care.. too much.

despair drowns, and then no more,
no more voices of reason
it seems.. too damn quiet.
reality dissolves in to a blur, a colourful, confusing blur
that serves no more than to numb our senses
that’s when, my friend
your demons are shouting down your better angels

it’s your party, and you, darling,
you choose what you bring to the table
it seems.. too damn surreal.
castles in the clouds build on their own, independent
no more a need for us to try
and that’s when, my lover
they tear us down, they tear us down

because i am unbeautiful, and you know it.

*original

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine

it’s funny that i know of so many blogs that make sense, but a VAST MAJORITY of the ones on the best blog contest or whatever have no fucking substance.

i’m know what you’re thinking. my boyfriend’s running, and i’m being mean. BUT I’M NOT. i’m merely posting my views on a public forum because i feel like it.

-dramatic sighing

seems to me that the word simplicity has completely lost it’s meaning in our contemporary society.

himbos and bimbos trying to entertain. unintelligent kids trying to sound otherwise. the shallow trying for the profound.

ohh examples? i’ll be delighted to! maybe a quote then.

“Artsy people who think ahead of time?Go go down the drain, into the mud and into the soil. No one cares really, they love britney spears and xiaxue.”

uhh sure.

quite honestly, i resent that. I LOVE BRITNEY. hell, she’s got a fuck load of issues and i’ll bet you that when she wakes up in the morning, she has more emotional strength in her during the first five minutes of her day than you’ll have in a week. so just because I LOVE BRITNEY, i’m a blabbering, drooling idiot who, for the love of god, is oh-so-obviously below your standards?

and xiaxue, wendy, if it means anything to you, she’s a member of MENSA. do you even know what that is. it’s for the elite. the E-FUCKING-LITE you dumb cow.

ironically, i seem to dislike this particular blogger more than i do the hilarious antics of my fellow schoolmate who is apparently incapable of conveying his messages in standard english.

why? because at very least, despite his terrible language, his fans with the equal level of intelligence, his annoying array of unflattering pictures, and his unbearable cockiness, he does not try to sound smart.

while prissy missy MODEL:WRITER:ARTIST (first link on adriel’s blog, by the way.) is so obviously trying to do so.

but that’s just me and my worthless opinion. there are people whose judgments i do actually value that seem to hold her rantings of how people should be and how they should act, talk and feel in higher esteem than i do.

whatever happened to blogging for the heck of it, i’d like to know.

bottom line, if you’re trying to lecture people on not being fakes and liars and actors, you damn well try not to make it so obvious you’re doing it yourself.

it’s so annoying.

or maybe i’m just a jealous cunt.

How Deep is Your Love

cos we’re livin’ in a world of fools, breakin’ us down,
when they all should let us be.. we belong to you and me.

but who gets to decide.

i think it’s funny when people claim they’re in love, but then end the relationship thinking the other party is unworthy of their affection. i think it’s even more psychotic when outsiders tell A that B is not deserving.

really. who’s to say?

doesn’t the choice to be together, to stick it through with that certain someone already speak volumes? words, here, don’t matter. cos it’s not a thing of the mind, but of the heart.

bestie told me that she thinks it’s impossible to understand how one can love someone regardless of everything that person does, cos there are always faults, and everyone makes mistakes. she says it only depends on the degree of the action, that if the situation were serious enough, won’t the ‘victim’ stop loving?

hard to say. perhaps. if there was a victim. generally speaking, aren’t we all? victims of ourselves, enslaved by our own passions. love isn’t supposed to be calculating, is it now.

people make mistakes. sometimes, serious ones. maybe it’s just me, but i wouldn’t leave. it’s only human to err after all. why would i choose to leave the person i love based on let’s say, misplaced judgment, or an mistake made in the heat of the moment?

while the damage is nonetheless done, but nothing will change unless one allows it to.

some have attributed my stand to nobility. which i personally think is rubbish. there’s no such thing as nobility in love. just like there’s no nobility in walking away. i’m not saying all of this to make myself feel good and all righteous in the eyes of the lord. and when the time comes, if it does, i won’t be forgiving for the sake of it, i won’t be still telling my other half i love him because i think i should. i will because i do love him. i will because i don’t want to lose the most beautiful thing that life’s given to me because of a moment of weakness. so i won’t.

we all are guilty of falling. the difference is if we have the determination to get back on track and the way we do.

so grab what you’ve got, and hold on, because in every relationship you can expect the ride of your life. when things get though, grit your teeth and hold your tongue, and keep in mind that things will only get worse before they get better.

and i’m holding on. holding on to you, adriel. first, i already know that something as special and rare as this won’t come cheap or easy. and second, it won’t knock twice.

you gotta know babe, that when i said you’re the one, i meant it.

Simple Meth

as time goes by, one begins to questioning his or her significance in the world.

inevitable.

don’t worry, this isn’t going to be emo.

spending a lot of time with a person can cause rifts. ironic? believe it. fights, quarrels, screaming, tantrums, getting so emotional to the point of getting physical, you name it, ad and i have been through it all. yes, in a short span of three months and eight days, we’ve seen worse than some couples have after having been together for a year.

feelings overwhelm you, then you get sad and cry, wondering, “shouldn’t i mean more to him than this?”, or “doesn’t he care anymore?”, etc.

and then what?

the answer is simple. get over it. i still believe, as long as a person, even better, two, want something to work bad enough, it will. it will.

i know it sounds naive, and maybe a little foolish. call me sentimental, but maybe some of you will understand. it’s because love is bigger than all of that.

cheesy, i know. but hear me out.

love. no buts, no ifs, no maybes. if you love someone, you do. it doesn’t change. it never fades, and it never will.

adriel’s been in love, bunny’s been in love, evan’s been in love. i know, because they still do. the same person they always have from the beginning. it just evolved into something else because it didn’t work out between them. they still love each other.

and me? i don’t even remember my first boyfriend’s name.

i’m not boasting. i’m jealous. i never had someone i wanted to commit my whole life to, someone i was willing to die for, someone i was willing to let hurt me. i never knew what it was like being that selfless.

till now, that is.

yeahh go ahead and LAUGH, but i’m not kidding. scandal and i were on the phone and she knows how dead serious i am. actually, she told me. i never thought of things this way till she said,

“you’re different. you’ve actually matured in a sense that all those other times you said “he’s the one.” didn’t matter, and now you’re finally serious about one guy it’s obvious cos for the first time you’re putting in what it takes to make it work.”

she’s right. it is the first time.

still, i’m not perfect. i hurt him too. all the time. and it really, really sucks balls.

if you wanted to draw up a list of reasons for every little spat, every fear, every insecurity, every moment of indifference and insensitivity, it would be an endless one. not just for my relationship, but also for every other couple in the world. but then why bother?

people change their minds, not their hearts.

i’d like to think that we’ll be together forever, not just for the sake of being, but because we really do want to. because at the end of the day, it’s all that really matters. as long as we love each other to try.

love. it doesn’t recognize gender, race, differences or imperfections. it just is. if it’s there, it’s there. it’s here. i just need to try a little harder.

we were never made to last. we’re here temporarily, so transitory in nature. no wait, eternal beings, just not here. we weren’t built to last. but we’re building. it’s ours. we’re taking our time, making modifications to the blueprints, and fortifying the structure, then adding details exclusive to us. we’re building.

adriel and i.. we don’t always agree, and things get rough sometimes. but i love him. and he loves me, despite my faults and flaws. i don’t love him because of his perfections and positive traits, or because he loves me.

i love him. because. because i do.

it’s more than i deserve. it’s more than enough.

Winding In, Winding Out, Roped Me In

as a frequent commuter, i think i’ve observed the behavior of others enough to have earned the right to say that people in singapore are fucking inconsiderate.

bear with me.

today was spent with baby at his place, nothing new. except he made me only the sweetest gift ever. it’s got cigarette ash in it! okayy irrelevant.

napped then woke up, and then after eons of waiting for the boy to get ready, left the house then took a bus ride then a train with his hitman friend.

after they got off at outram, there were a lot a lot of old wrinkly people just STANDING there. this guy sitting directly in front of me pretended to sleep cos he didn’t want to give his seat up. like WTF.

so anyway, i stood up for the wrinkliest person i could find, then walked over to the sleeping bastard and kicked him.

damn it felt good.

anyway, it made me think how people these days are so goddamned selfish.

50 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD YOU’LL SEE HOW IT FEELS, DAMN YOU.

i will LAUGH. because i believe in karma, so i will always have a seat and you won’t. HAHA.

okayy bye.

Unglamourous

since i was SO bored. here’s a tour of my desk. it’s horrendously cluttered, but whatever.

because i need music to survive. fm comes in handy when my mp3’s confiscated. don’t laugh, my parents still do that to me.

my collection was collecting dust and it’s tiring to clean em one by fucking one, so i decided to get one of these things. and then the collection over flowed, so i still have to clean a bloody majority one by one. tsk.
this is one of the stupidest presents anyone ever got me for christmas. sarah doesn’t save, that’s why. just goes to show that some people don’t know me as well as they like to think they do. by the way, it’s half full of five cent coins, so.
accessories are aplenty in my room. i’ve a DRAWVER full and i’ve still get to fill boxes with them. haa. ask nicolette, she should know.
those are separate, in case you were wondering. the flower with the face on it was given to me by janel in sec 3 and i completely forgot who gave me the other one. HAHAA. might have been a v-day present from some random person or other.
this is VERY VERY IMPORTANT. it does well to mask the smell of cigarettes coming from this.
HAHAA.
this is cute, but it’s a total waste of space cos it’s never on.
my dad gave this card to me yesterday and thought he was being very funny when he said “nah, i got job offer for you.”. parents have no humor.
present from clinton and en. i have no bleeding idea why they got me this very redundant present but i remember having a kick out of telling people i live with god. and plus it’s fucking funny when buddy christ’s head wobbles like mad.

which concludes my very pointless post. BUT IT WAS FUN. tee hee.

Selective, Always Another Excuse at Your Fingertips

i spoke to tiffany over msn yesterday, and my god, she hasn’t changed a bit. she’s pierced her eyebrow horizontally, which is pretty cute. no other major news except that ohh, she’s on another continent now.

it kind of sucks that i’ve waited till now to realize that i miss her. i mean, we used to be best friends. i blame the switching of schools. haa.

well either way I REMEMBER YOUR BIRTHDAY tiff. it took me forever, but i promise to mail you a gift this year okayy! :]

all of a sudden, i miss the other bff i haven’t spoken to in eons. nat, i hope you’re doing great! o miss you a million red mnms, if it still means anything to you. i still have the bottle you brought back from las vegas for me you know. i miss our starbucks and plaza singapura days. relive them again sometime?

sigh.

sometimes i don’t know why i bother. bother to keep people in my life when they fade in and out as they please. don’t get me wrong.. i don’t blame them.. it’s just human.

Say It When You Mean It

you wanted this. you’re sick of me. so don’t tell me how i should feel.

i’ll be waiting. and i’ll still love you. always. it doesn’t matter whether you believe me or not, but i love you. i really really do.

i won’t contact you. or i’ll try my best anyway. it’s hurting like i’ve just turned around and stabbed myself in the back. which is exactly what i just fucking did, didn’t i. the irony.

a job well done, sarah. you’re awesome. really.

love is not about being noble. it’s about giving all you’ve got.

if you feel bad? the solution is simple. go figure it out yourself.

there’s no balance for love. it’s not an equation, so there’s no conclusion. if it happens, it happens. there’s no compromise for the sake of compromise. why? because there’s that fundamental desire to make the person you love happy.

isn’t that reason enough?

don’t question. there’s no why, when, how, who, or what. just love back.

it’s not as complicated as we humans make it look.

Burn City Hall

the morning started off bad but it ended pretty sweet.

<3

BIANCA IS BEING GROUNDED FOR A YEAR AND THAT’S NOT FAIR BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND HER SISTER TOLD HER NO GIGS AND WHATEVER WHICH SUCKS COS IT’S WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND SO THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE WHICH THE WORLD SHOULD HATE.

parents should really just leave their kids the fuck alone sometimes. they’re doing us more HARM than harm and that should have registered long ago.

anyways, evan says i talk about the same thing all the fucking time, so here’s something new.

for the first time in my life since i was two years old, i BURPED by accident in the shower today. which is SERIOUSLY COOL.

okayy so i’m not abnormal. i just need to.. i don’t know. stand the right way up, maybe. i’ll go find my burping trigger and work it right, so next time i try chugging beer, i won’t be afraid of feeling bloated after that. :]

HAHAA.

i was so bored I DID THE DISHES.